"Alone with a Simple Hope"

By Dr. Shefaali Sharma

OB/GYN, Physician Partner

Associated Physicians, LLP

Madison, WI

"I was 18 when they told me having a baby, becoming pregnant, having the family I dreamed of, may not be a guarantee. Stage 4 endometriosis had ravaged my pelvis and the future was unknown. The weight of this was crushing. 

Fast forward a few years later, a third year medical student and newly married, ready to start the journey to parenthood. We remained optimistic, but month after month, our hearts broke a bit more with each negative test. When the fertility treatments began, we hoped that the pills and inseminations would work. Nope. But maybe the injections? Nope. The depression deepened, the hope fractured. Maybe IVF? 

Everyone around us seems to be pregnant. The round bellies, the baby showers…and the questions - “when are you going to try?” Or, “do you think you want kids?”

The answers I wanted to scream - “We have been trying for over a year! Of course I want babies and kids. Why is this so unfair? Why does this feel like death by a 100 papercuts?”. But instead, we smiled and said “yes, maybe soon” and “congratulations!” And then I cried into my pillow. 

And we did the IVF. And it failed. I was pregnant for just a moment and then it failed. I failed? I broke. It was devastating. That negative line was bolder, more painful than any before. The darkness was deep and sad. I sank into myself, dreading people and celebrations and baby bumps, the betrayal of my body more cruel than ever before.

With time, we healed. We cautiously tried again, and again, and, with time, we finally saw it. The two lines. A positive. An ultrasound with a tiny jumping bean inside me, heart pounding away. Love at first sight. It finally happened. 

I see you mama to be. I see you. My heart aches for you. You are not alone."

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